somewhatclear

deerna
somewhatclear

Rating: SAFE
Fandom: Dungeon & Dragons
Relationship: Arun & Niv
Tags: talking about death, graphic descriptions, missing scene
Wordcount: 941
Notes: M1, future

Summary:

Excerpt:

“This is actually fine. How can it not be fine? I accidentally called some fucking monster from the depths of nowhere, feeling the consequences lurking in my guts for a decade until they literally started turning into rot, and now we— I have a chance at life, now? I might have a future? What am I even going to do with that?”

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At some point during their travelling, Arun had forgotten to be afraid of orcs.

(—which sounds bad when you put it like that, but it was more about being small while everyone else wasn’t, and afraid of everyone and themselves— not ignorance. Or so Arun hoped--)

(And it had always been hope, hadn’t it? Hope, small and battered in the back of a soul they weren’t even sure they had anymore or had in the first place--because what else could drive some misshapen, discoloured, misguided wretch for ten endless years through survival and research, eating rats and rot in the depths of waterboarded ships and forgotten libraries, hiding behind veils and hats and tunics, and some of the very prejudice and ignorance that had made him in the first place.)

Anyway, Arun still found people scary, but apparently being around very tall, overly affectionate and friendly half-orcs had at least cured him of that particular self-consciousness that comes with being several inches and stones more diminutive than average. They sat there, watching Niv putter around the yurta as he sang to himself with a big smile on his face, feeling warm after the evening of celebration that Niv’s family had given them. Niv’s tall family. Arun felt both too much into the moment, and as far away as the stars, as far away as the darkness--

“You look very happy,” Arun said, then mentally kicked himself. Always so obvious, so clumsy.

“Why, thank you, I am indeed happy,” Niv replied, easy and unoffended, the glint of a canine in his grin. “I cannot believe it! Every time we saw an orc somewhere in Dunya always felt like such an event, and here they’re just living in a huge community by themselves in the wild, being people! Isn’t it incredible? And on top of everything…” he trailed off, smiling to himself, soft and pleased, “and they’re mine.”

Arun hummed. They were. There had been no questions asked, after Niv had explained. Just painful answers and the easy joy of finding family again, after decades of mourning and grief. Food and laughter and trust, ground for growth and room for…. more. For life.

“Are you okay?” Niv asked. “I know that so many people aren’t your idea of fun, and when you’re so quiet I never know if you’re just you or overwhelmed and freaking out or—”

“I thought I was going to be dead by now,” Arun blurted, and shook. They tightened their fists, feeling the edges of their rings digging in the flesh of their palms. Their past clung on their skin like cold sweat.

Niv startled and then froze. “Huh-” His whole body turned around towards Arun, clearly undecided on what to do.

“No, I’m sorry, let me start over, I’m… fine.” They barked out a laugh. “This is actually fine. How can it not be fine? I accidentally called some fucking monster from the depths of nowhere, feeling the consequences lurking in my guts for a decade until they literally started turning into rot, and now we— I have a chance at life, now? I might have a future? What am I even going to do with that?”

Niv sat next to the bedroll—careful never to be too close, still careful after all that time even if they’d been living in each other’s pockets for so long, just in case Arun’s old habits of shrinking away took over—and gently put a hand on Arun’s knee.

“Seeing that you are conveniently forgetting the fact that there’s still the Lich Bitch roaming the universe or something and that we need to fix that...” Niv said with a grin. “No, but I get it. Spending so much time going through the motions that everything becomes meaningless, going on because of— I don’t even know if spite, or desperation, or like death is the only choice--” he choked a little. “It scars you. But the truth that Drest taught me is that we don’t actually have to do anything to deserve things. We’re allowed to have them as they are, and we put the work in that, and we do our best. And we can do whatever we want. We can have whatever we want. Including a life.”

“To be fair, nobody said that pleading the Spouse will work—”

“Don’t do this to yourself,” Niv interrupted them.

“—and I feel bad crying over myself while this should be your moment to enjoy your family—”

“You’re also my family, you know that, right? I mean—” Niv started stammering when Arun looked at him. “We’ve been into this whole mess for a whole lot of time now. I—” he swallowed. “I honestly have been having a hard time picturing us parting ways once all this is over. I’m sorry if it’s selfish but—”

Arun just kept staring, and Niv pushed on, looking at the yurta’s wall instead of them. “I want the Spouse thing to work,” Niv insisted, “even if we’re apparently trading worms and rot with uh, ravens and more rot—Sweet Sacred Mother how is this my life—and I’m extremely happy that finding my orc family also helped you find a solution for this absolute nightmare of a curse, okay?”

“Thank you,” Arun said. He covered Niv’s hand on his knee and squeezed. “I don’t want to part ways, either. Let’s— get some sleep.” Niv squeezed back.

The stars felt really close, but this time it wasn’t scary.